Katie Halper's blog

The Week's News in Review

Bush flip flops on Putin's soul. It seems like only yesterday that Bush said of President Vladimir Putin: "I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straight forward and trustworthy and we had a very good dialogue... I was able to get a sense of his soul." Now, Bush accuses the Russian president of "bullying and intimidation." It remains unclear whether Putin has changed or Bush has bad soul-dar.

Condoleeza Rice leaks conscience to the press. [or "in rare moment, Condoleeza Rice let's conscience slip."] The Secretary of State said "military power" is "not the way to deal in the 21st century."

In a similar episode, the AP lets the truth slip, referring to Joe Lieberman as "the Democratic vice presidential prick* in 2000..."

William Kristol lies only 1/4 of the time. Since joining The New York Times Op Ed team in January, William Kristol has already forced the paper to issue four corrections. Although Kristol founded the Weekly Standard, he prefers writing for The New York Times, where
he can push the neo-con agenda, bring down Obama, and destroy the credibility of a newspaper he hates, all at the same time.

McCain's cone of silence could be confirmed by Ear, Nose and Throat doctor.
The McCain campaign insists that the presumptive Republican nominee was in a cone of silence during Rick Warren's interview of Obama. Some, however, suggest that, since McCain was traveling in his motorcade, "he may not have been in the cone of silence" and might have had "some ability to overhear" the questions. This leaves the McCain campaign in the unenviable position of holding the world's first nationally televised presidential audiological test in order to prove that the cone of silence was unnecessary because the senator is hard of hearing.

Bored with just stealing American jobs, immigrants turn to taking away our medals.

*You would think that with a last name like hers, the AP reporter, Nedra Pickler, would be more careful.

Originally posted at The Field

McCain: 5 Reasons You Should Curb Your Enthusiasm for Curb Your Enthusiasm

When Entertainment Weekly conducted a Woodward and Bernstein-like investigation of "all the presidential candidates'" pop culture favorites, I was shocked-and-awed to learn you are a Curb Your Enthusiasm fan.

Although I disagree with your policies, I must admit I share your taste in television, which, as they say, makes strange bedfellows. So, as a fellow fan, I beg you to "curb your enthusiasm" for the show. Since your endorsement, I've been unable to think of Curb without imagining this frightening image: You are in one of your nine houses in full relaxation mode, you've kicked off your $520 Ferregamo calf skin loafers and you're curled up on the couch with Cindy (whom you just arm wrestled for the remote), snuggling under a polar-bear-fur blanket while a taxidermied bald eagle keeps vigil on the mantle with caribou heads and framed ABBA albums on the walls and you're surrounded by good friends like John Hagee, Rod Parsley and Ralph Reed --your adopted child nowhere in sight (as usual)-- everyone laughing away. I'm scared that this image will haunt me forever and prevent me from enjoying the next season, which I've been looking forward to with much excitement.

I understand that the awkward, white-haired curmudgeon who is always saying the wrong thing as his significantly younger blond wife smiles and suffers is a character with whom you can identify. But I think once you consider the aspects of the show you might have missed, or tried to repress, you'll want to retract your endorsement for the sake of your campaign, your maverick-like integrity, and your country.

Breaking: Ted Stevens Mental Health Update

Last week I published my diagnosis of Ted Stevens, whose clinical depression makes him unfit to stand trial. Well, luckily, it looks like some people listened to my words of wisdom and heeded my call to help, not punish, Ted. Earlier this week, When President Bush visited the Eielson Air Force Base in Alaska to speak to soldiers, W made sure to invite Stevens. Aware of the Senator's fragile state, the President showered Stevens with praise: "the United States military has had no better supporter and stronger friend than Sen. Ted Stevens." Some have criticized Bush for inviting Stevens in spite of his indictment. In all fairness, the Bush administration is used to having criminals in their midst, and if they had to change plans every time someone was accused of a crime, they would never get anything done.

But Bush isn't the only person joining me in offering Ted the support he needs. Stevens held a rally for himself at his own campaign headquarters. Stevens' mental instability has in no way affected his ability to rock out; the senator, who wore a flight jacket, brown corduroy pants and Masai Balance platform sneakers, arrived at the rally behind a convoy of leather-clad motorcyclists. Once again, Ted showed clear delusional behavior as he expressed both his innocence, and his confidence in being re-elected: "The primary is the goal right now. Help me win that primary and help me be the candidate for the Republican Party. September will take care of itself." His depression has subsided and his manic phase has begun: the spirited senator told his fans "Let me tell you my spirits are high..."

But bikers and presidents can't keep Ted's spirits high on their own! So here are 5 ways you can help Ted Stevens!

1. Have your own rally, with or without bikers: Make sure you follow the rally organizers' lead and keep the event on the DL. Don't publicize the rally or you'll have to deal with anti-Stevens protesters. A confrontation may be just the thing to drive Ted off the edge and/ or provoke an outbreak of his multiple personality disorder, in which Ted assumes the form and personality of his hero The Hulk.

2. Send Hulk gifts: Since Stevens continues to identify with the Hulk, (classic identification disorder/ multiple personality disorder) send Ted some Hulk ties, because you can never have too many. We know Ted likes to wear the ties for good luck, and he'll need clean ties and lot's of good luck for his trial. Feel free to send Hulk toys as well, to give Ted the strength that he'll need. They also provide for great street cred, in case Ted ends up in jail.

3. Send donations towards the Ted-mobile: I'm working on a hummer covered in polar bear fur which Ted will drive around Alaska as he claims his innocence and gathers support.

4. Send gas donations: Because this Ted-mobile is a real gas-guzzler.

5. Send a get well soon card: You can email them through a series of tubes or send them through snail mail. Send Ted cards of sympathy, for the death of his bill, which he still mourns, as well as cards of encouragement, support, and appreciation.

Ted Stevens Declares Himself Unfit to Stand Trial

Ted Stevens, the senator facing indictments on seven counts of criminal charges, is clearly unfit to stand trial, due to the clinical depression he admits to suffering from. Perhaps Stevens' earliest sign of psychopathology was in 1997 when he diagnosed himself as a mean miserable son of a bitch. Ted's 28 years of tirelessly protecting the American people from the polar bears who hate us for our freedoms, by defending our right to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, has taken a toll on the senator.

Stevens first exhibited signs of post-arctic depression, when the senate voted against his bill to open ANWAR up to more drilling. A candid Stevens said "I'm really depressed. As a matter of fact, I'm seriously--I'm seriously depressed. Unfortunately, clinically depressed. I've been told that because I've just been at this too long."

In a textbook fashion, the rejection, combined with Stevens' sense of failure, triggered this late on-set octogenarian depression. The symptoms returned after Stevens lost yet another battle in his uphill fight against endangered species and wildlife. The then 83-year-old Senator exclaimed: "This is the saddest day of my life." The trauma was so acute it apparently rivaled the pain he suffered after his wife's death in a tragic plane crash did. It seems Stevens achieved a sense of closure after confronting the cause of his wife's death, Senator Mike Gravel (D-AK). In the group therapy that is the U.S. Senate, Stevens shared "I don't want to get personal about it...but I think if that bill [which was being blocked by Gravel] had passed, I might have a wife sitting at home when I get home tonight, too." But unlike the vote that condemned his wife to death, the vote against drilling freedom was too much for Stevens to bear. In a classic cry for help, Stevens threatened to take his own political life: "It's a day I don't want to remember. I say goodbye to the Senate tonight. Thank you very much."

Stevens then manifested signs of manic depression as he swung out of a state of the blues and into a state of the green. Exhibiting signs of displacement, transference and delusion, Stevens identified with the character of the Hulk. He Personified the fictitious character, would wear his signature great Hulk tie on days of important votes. Stevens remained in the senate where he got "pumped up" and warned his pro-polar opponents, "You bet your bottom dollar I'll remember [this vote]. If I ever give my word, I keep it. I'm mad enough to eat nails right now, to have people not keep their word to me. I'm going to go to every one of your states, and I'm going to tell them what you've done. This was wrong." Stevens' awareness that he was engaged in a battle between bear and oil, good and bad, right and wrong renewed his sense of purpose, but also triggered his bipolar condition and delusions of mobility, political sway, and brute force. The final demonstration of his instability was wearing a white wig and competing in the third-annual Crafters Smackdown.

Ironically, this prosecution of the mentally ill is something Ted would support if in his right mind. But, I speak for the sane when I say that Stevens deserves treatment, not incarceration.

Katie Halper('s father) is a psychiatrist in New York City (M.D. Columbia University)

You C*nt Say That On Radio

Dear Joe Mathieu of P.O.T.U.S. '08 - XM radio (130),

I want to apologize for my unseemly behavior the other day. I know you interview a lot of people, so you may not remember me or you may have repressed the memory of me. I'm the comic who was on the viral video comedy panel at Netroots Nation whom you interviewed about, well, viral comedy videos. We talked over the phone, since I was in Austin, Texas. The end of our conversation went something like this...


Joe Mathieu: What are some of your favorite viral videos?
Katie Halper: Well, I really like this one video [made by the Public Service Administration] on McCain and the C-Word*. It makes fun of the media for not mentioning the story because they can't possibly say "the C word."
Joe Mathieu: Well, you know, Katie. I've enjoyed talking with you, but it's 12:30 out here on the East Coast and people are having lunch right now. And we can't really be talking about this during lunch time. [click]
Katie Halper: Oh, sorry
Joe Mathieu: [post-click silence]
* I didn't actually say the C word. In other words, I didn't utter the word that begins with C. And ends with T. I actually said "the C word."

Before apologizing, I want to thank you. While others could see your hang-up as rude and unprofessional, the response of an immature and unprepared "d-bag," I know that you were helping me make my argument. What better way to prove my point about the media's refusal to talk about the story than by refusing to talk to me about the story? The hang up was so dramatic, so overt, so over the top, it really proved my point. (It's also a great example of the strength of the "show, don't tell" rule. You probably learned that in J school. Or middle school.)

Also, before I apologize, I just want to summarize what I would have said had you not hung up on me. [ DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING IF YOU ARE EATING. IF YOU HAVE EATEN RECENTLY, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE WAITED AT LEAST A HALF AN HOUR TO DIGEST. IF NOT, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER IMMEDIATELY.] I was going to say something like...

Katie Halper:
It's interesting that nobody brings up the story about John McCain calling his wife the C-word. I've heard two theories explaining this. 1) The media doesn't like using the C-word. 2) It's not a sourced story. That's interesting because, I remember when Jane Fonda mentioned the C-word, the media was able to suppress it's vomit and cover the story. I also wonder why the media is so comfortable saying the word "bitch." Hmmm. food for thought. And in terms of reporting standards, I thought the media wasn't into that whole thing anymore. They were more than happy to report on totally unconfirmed and unfounded stories about things Michelle Obama "said."

OK, now for the apology. I really, really, really hope you'll forgive me. As you yourself suggested, it was that g-d time difference. It was 11:30 in Austin, and I have a strict noon cut off rule when it comes to discussing the C-word. I know that when McCain called his wife a C-word and a trollop, he made sure not to do so during a major meal time. So silly me, I thought I had a full 1/2 hour. To those of you who were LWL (listening while lunching) I apologize. I hope you were able to keep your food down. I know how hard it is. Of course, some people eat at different times, I don't believe in indulging or enabling those people. If they are going to lead alternative eating lifestyles, let them be nauseated. And as for the people who live in other parts of the world, I hope this encourages them to eat according to the U.S. clock.

In addition to failing to recognize the time difference and not respecting the C-word time zone rule, another factor contributed to my slip. I had my P-word. And it was a really, really bad one, you know how it is. So my judgment was off. I'm sure you'll accept my apology now.

Yours (post-menstrually),
Katie Halper

The Week in News: Fetishist Joe Scarborough Tells It Like It Is

  1. Po Mo McCain don't know much about [military] history.
    McCain has shared his post-racial vision of the world by refusing to distinguish between Sunnis and Shiites, and Iran and Iraq. The post-modernist candidate is now challenging patriarchal linear narratives by creating a revisionist and deconstructive military history in which the War in Iraq precedes the war in Afghanistan and the surge preceded the Anbar Awakening.
  2. Joe Scarborough admits to a bloggers-eating-cheetos-in-their-underwear fetish.
    Joe Scarborough gave MSNBC viewers a peek into his id, when he described the liberal bloggers who dared to criticize McCain as "just sitting there, eating their Cheetos" and saying, "Let me google Anbar Awakening!...Dust flying -- Cheeto dust flying all over. They're wiping it on their bare chest while their underwear -- you know, their Hanes." Hopefully Scarborough's candor will embolden his fellow Hanes-clad-cheetos-covered blogger fetishists to come out of the closet.
  3. Civil Libertarian Bill O'Reilly on torture: "Enough is enough ..."
    Actually, O'Reilly said "Enough is enough with this torture nonsense." O'Reilly and his guest and long-time stereotype battler Laura Ingraham, criticized Obama because he "got up there in front of 200,000 people and he glommed on to one of the most ridiculous and one of the hateful stereotypes about America, which is that we torture. "
  4. Karl Rove on McCain's mistakes: "Whatevs."
    When Alan Colmes brought up McCain's Anbar awakening gaffe, Rove responded by saying, "first of all, let's not get into sort of nit-nat mistakes...Look, let's not get into this... don't make a big deal of it."
  5. Once again, Republicans demonstrate a keen telepathic connection to animals.
    Serving as a spokesmen for both caribou and polar bears, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) told fellow zoologist Glen Beck: "We saw... were at the beginning of the Trans-Alaska pipeline...and there were a handful of caribou that just kept walking towards us and towards us. They were 30 yards away from us, and they couldn't care less whether we were there, the pipeline was there, or the oil company was there...there was a polar bear out earlier...If you have got polar bears and you've got caribou, it's clear that we can drill in a environmentally friendly way."

Netroots Nation 2008: Caucus Refugee with Katie Halper

In case you don't believe Chris O'Reilly's claim that the Netroots Nation is like a "Klan gathering" and as hateful as the Nazis, check out this video I'm in. Five Steps Forward Media and I expose the Nazism! Why are they so hateful towards me and my people? You'll notice there is no Gypsy Caucus either, a group the Nazis tried to exterminate. What say you? Coincidence? I think not!

Gore Proves Global Warming by Sweating Profusely, and Nine Other Things I Learned at the Netroots Nation/KKK Gathering

(Written in satire. A literal trasnlation for the tonally impaired is available upon request.)

This weekend I went to Austin, Texas, to attend the third annual Netroots [Aryan] Nation, the convention formerly known as Yearly Kos and recently called a "Klan gathering" by Bill O'Reilly. I agree with O'Reilly that "including the Nazis and the Klan... there is not a more hateful group in the country than the Daily Kos People." I too hate this hateful conference, which encourages democracy, open politics, participatory democracy, grass roots organizing and other Nazi-ish thing. But I attend each year, under the guise of a Laughing Liberally comic and Living Liberally leader, in order to counter the lies of the liberal media, who receive their talking points and marching orders directly from Subcomandante Markos [Moulitsas]. I go because somebody needs to document the atrocities that are ignored by the appeasement era press and distorted by the Netroots deniers. I go to show the world the truth. I go to say Never Again.

So, here are some of the things you won't hear from the liberal media about the four-day gathering of over 2,000 progressive bloggers, journalists, politicians and activists.

1. The netroots are so vicious that Obama was forced to flee to the relative safety of Afghanistan.

2. The netroots are reconsidering their position on FISA. Although they were disappointed with Obama's vote and his absence from the conference, they have now realized that thanks to the new FISA law, Obama could hear everything they said.

3. The surprise guest was no surpirse. Everyone knew the surprise guest would be Al Gore. Duh! He is the inventor of the series of tubes known as the internets.

4. Al Gore proved global warming is real, beyond the shadow of a doubt. I'll admit it, I was a skeptic about global warming. But that was before I saw Al Gore speak live. Because what An Inconvenient Truth doesn't capture, is Gore's presence, energy, and sweat. After watching Gore sweat in an air-conditioned convention hall, it is impossible not to believe in global warming.

5. Al Gore is anti-American. During his speech, Gore mentioned wind turbines several times. Well, wind baseball caps are fine with me, Mr. Vice President. Love it or leave it!

6. The Socialist Party made a debut at the Convention. The convention has had Democrats and recovering Republicans. But this year for the first time, with Nancy Pelosi's attendance, the conference hosted a member of the Socialist Party.

7. Nancy Pelosi has sound judgment (for a Socialist). The Speaker of the House is a radical San Franciscan and a pusher of the Homosexual agenda, Yet when she spoke in Austin, Pelosi demonstrated sound judgment and astute reasoning through her vibrant mint green pants suit, a tasteful Clinton-Cleavage-free blouse, neutral but elegant tan heels, and warm honey highlights.

8. Donna Edwards does not belong in politics. If I learned anything from Representative Edwards' keynote speech, it's that she is too honest, hard-working, passionate, genuine, inspired, and inspiring to be in Congress. What is she thinking?

9. Contrary to popular belief, bloggers do have a sense of humor. The Netroots Nation gift bags included condoms.

10. John McCain should not be misunderestimated by the netroots. After all, McCain is already "aware of the internet." By next year's convention in Pittsburgh, the maverick may know how to get online.

Republicans Prove Their Commitment to White People

Republicans are shocked and appalled that a racist pin which reads "If Obama is President...Will we still call it the White House?" was sold at the Texas Republican Party convention. To show their commitment to combating racism, the GOP is donating the money raised by the vendor to help flood victims in the Midwest. They also stipulated that under no circumstances could any of the money go to Katrina victims who are still without homes, neighbors, trailers or security. The difference, of course, as Rush Limbaugh explains, is that the people of Iowa and Illinois are "the heartland...and the backbone of America," while people of the gulf coast, are the infected appendix of the U.S., and "a bunch of people running around waving guns at helicopters...shooting cops....raping people on the street...whining and moaning--where's FEMA, where's BUSH."

Top Ten Hagee-isms: New and Improved

Readers may recall that in an effort to counteract the media's anti-McCain bias, I gathered the top 10 best quotes uttered by McCain's spiritual advisers. While the liberal press was giving its undivided attention to Reverend Jeremiah Wright, I decided I would highlight the invaluable but overlooked and ignored contributions McCain's own religious allies, most notable Pastor John Hagee, whose endorsement McCain went out of his way to seek and "ye shall" find. In light of recent revelations about Hagee's spiritual insights into the Holocaust, I am updating this list so it truly reflects the utterly amazing and unbelievable words of Hagee. (Pastor Rod Parsley, if you're reading this, I apologize to for cutting you from the updated top ten list. I do appreciate you commitment to destroying Islam and his attempt to raise awareness of the low lesbian life expectancy. But you and Hagee and are too special to have to share a top ten list. I will make you your own next week.)

So here are the "Updated Top Ten Hagee-isms," new and improved, with never-before-released hits from his "Thank God for Hitler" sermon.

1. NEW! "God says in Jeremiah 16 - 'Behold I will bring them the Jewish people again unto their land that I gave unto their fathers' - that would be Abraham, Isaac and Jacob - 'Behold I will send for many fishers and after will I send for many hunters. And they the hunters shall hunt them' - that will be the Jews - 'from every mountain and from every hill and from out of the holes of the rocks.' If that doesn't describe what Hitler did in the Holocaust... you can't see that. So think about this - I will send fishers and I will send hunters."
- Pastor John Hagee in a sermon

2. NEW! "Then god sent a hunter. A hunter is someone with a gun and he forces you. Hitler was a hunter. And the Bible says -- Jeremiah writing -- 'They shall hunt them from every mountain and from every hill and from the holes of the rocks,' meaning there's no place to hide. And that might be offensive to some people but don't let your heart be offended. I didn't write it, Jeremiah wrote it. It was the truth and it is the truth. How did it happen? Because God allowed it to happen. Why did it happen? Because God said my top priority for the Jewish people is to get them to come back to the land of Israel."
- Pastor John Hagee in a sermon

3. NEW! "Theodore Herzl is the father of Zionism. He was a Jew who at the turn of the 19th century said, this land is our land, God wants us to live there. So he went to the Jews of Europe and said 'I want you to come and join me in the land of Israel.' So few went that Herzl went into depression. Those who came founded Israel; those who did not went through the hell of the holocaust."
- Pastor John Hagee in a sermon

Here are some oldies but goodies...

4. "Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman pinscher? The answer is lipstick. Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist."
- Pastor John Hagee in his book What Every Man Wants in a Woman (Charisma House, 2005)

5. "The Quran teaches that [all Muslims have a mandate to kill Christians and Jews]. Yes, it teaches that very clearly."
-Pastor John Hagee

6. "I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans...I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are -- were recipients of the judgment of God for that...There was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades...The Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment."
-Pastor John Hagee

7. "The military will have difficultly recruiting healthy and strong heterosexuals for combat purposes. Why? Fighting in combat with a man in your fox hole that has AIDS or is HIV positive is double jeopardy."
- Pastor John Hagee on "Don't Ask Don't Tell"

8. "[Gay marriage] will open the door to incest, to polygamy, and every conceivable marriage arrangement demented minds can possibly conceive. If God does not then punish America, He will have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah."
- Pastor John Hagee

9. "It is impossible to call yourself a Christian and defend homosexuality. There is no justification or acceptance of homosexuality.... Homosexuality means the death of society because homosexuals can recruit, but they cannot reproduce."
- Pastor John Hagee

10. "Only a Spirit-filled woman can submit to her husband's lead. It is the natural desire of a woman to lead through feminine manipulation of the man...Fallen women will try to dominate the marriage. The man has the God-given role to be the loving leader of the home."
- Pastor John Hagee in his book What Every Man Wants in a Woman (Charisma House, 2005)

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