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How to Date a Corporation: Dating Rules for a Post-Citizens United World

BY KATIE HALPER, http://www.katiehalper.com

The Supreme Court recently determined that corporations are entitled to freedom of speech because they are legally persons. The ramifications of this decision, Citizens United v. Federal Elections Commission, cannot be overstated: it introduces an entirely new and untapped population into the dating pool.

Chances are you’ve never dated a corporation before. But don’t be intimidated. This can be a fun and exciting opportunity… as long as you follow the corporation-dating rules.

  1. Consider your options. There are a lot of corporations out there. Is this really the best corporation out there? Is this corporation “the one?” Or should you keep looking?
  2. Don’t seem too eager to get involved. Remember, corporations are predatory by nature and enjoy a chase.
  3. Do a background check. What kind of relationships has this corporation had in the past? What is the corporation’s history
  4. Investigate the company the corporation keeps. Who is on its board of directors? Have any been indicted?
  5. Check out the corporation’s assets and figures. How do they look? Are they appealing to you?
  6. Say that you’re fiscally conservative but socially liberal. Corporations find this very sexy.
  7. Make sure you wait before you give up any of your assets. Corporations lose interest when you give it up right away.
  8. Don’t over invest. Nothing hurts more than giving without getting.
  9. Resist the “urge to merge.” Mergers often look appealing but they tend to be messy and almost always hurt party.
  10. Assume the worst. Corporations have a one track mind and they can’t wait to get their hands on your goods.
  11. And last but not least…Protect yourself. Corporations can be very reckless and you never really know how many people this corporation has screwed.

Still Looking for the Right Halloween Costume?

From the Huffington Post

Halloween is on Saturday and many (including myself) are scrambling to get the right costume put together at the last minute. Something simple. Edgy. Topical. Something people will really get.

Well Katie Halper has come to the rescue with some easy costume ideas that will not only make a statement, but earn you lots of candy as well. Click through to check out the list!

The People's Internet

Check out Lee Camp's latest Moment of Clarity on Net Neutrality:

Preserve internet freedom and keep the net out of the hands of corporate interests! Visit www.savetheinternet.com for more information on what you can do to make sure this important legislation passes.

Just Give Us 30 Seconds

Just 30 seconds...you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll share a moment, and it will improve your day.

Previous Change Agents from Fake History

Our government is the potent, the omnipresent teacher. Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for the law: it invites every man to become a law unto himself, it invites anarchy. Therefore, if government officials break the law “righteously” we should look forward and not backward, we should trust that the accused did what they did because they thought it was best, we should not investigate, or really, not even bring it up too often as that would be impolite. Also, if committing a crime becomes a central plank in the platform for one of America’s political partys, then that’s another reason to not do anything about the crime, because doing so would look too political.

- U.S. Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis, 1939

Waiting for the Trigger Makes Sense

Susan Collins wants a Trigger. She acknowledges that the Public Option is the best mechanism to fix our broken system of private insurance companies, but then with a straight face she says that the threat alone of fixing the broken system should convince the broken system to become unbroken. The threat should be a few years long.

When the car you're speeding in is about to crash into a wall, it's not the potentiality of a seatbelt that will save you. It's a seatbelt. It's brakes. It's evasive steering. It's a bumper. It's an airbag.

Think about that! The solution should only become available if the problem keeps getting worse for two more years.

In other words: before we fix it, we must first let it get worse. That makes sense. That's what I voted for.

NOTE: In some of the photos below, crowds waiting are waiting for medical care provided by Remote Area Medical Volunteer Corps, who have been called upon in America's largest cities to help some of the tens of millions of Americans whose government would let them die.

Republican Party Breaks Hip

Last Monday, the Republican Party broke their collective hip running away from filmmaker Mike Stark. In recent weeks, the Republican base has made clear that healthcare and economic reform are unnecessary, and that our President’s birthplace is the most pressing issue facing Americans today. Stark decided to check-in with their representatives to see how they felt about it.

As Republicans ran to evade hard-line questions from the liberal media, they failed to notice the giant brick wall of evidence standing in their way.

Upon smashing into the wall, several gasped: “Well, whatever, he’s still a Muslim.”

The Party was rushed to the hospital, where x-rays confirmed a fracture.

"No Chubbies"

Thank God people who hate fat people have something else to complain about—they’ve had so little to mock before.

The people who hate fat people were all like, “how many times can we say those statistics from Super Size Me, and how many times can we mock people who have to buy two airline tickets?” It was hard to be them. They were tired of standing outside of McDonald’s and counting calories aloud for everyone who purchased something. Their eyes just couldn’t roll anymore.

The clouds parted, and God answered their skinny, little prayers. President Obama nominated Dr. Regina Benjamin to be the surgeon general. Luckily for them, she’s a bit overweight. Not totally overweight, like those people who go on weight loss game shows, but enough to get the fat jokes rolling.

Jimmy Fallon said this in his monologue last night:

They announced Dr. Regina Benjamin is President Obama’s pick for surgeon general. She’s facing criticism for being overweight. I don’t know if Dr. Benjamin’s weight should be an issue, but her food pyramid does call for three to five daily servings of McRibs.

To begin with, that joke is freaking hilarious. Hey-o! McRibs! Way to get creative, Jimmy Fallon. I expected you to go for the classic Big Mac joke, but you totally threw me for a loop there. Original much?

I also love the joke because it totally points out why we can’t have Dr. Benjamin as our surgeon general. I definitely wouldn’t want someone who’s struggled with their weight to try to help others with the issue. It’s not like she would know anything about the social, biological or economic issues that contribute to the high rate of obesity in the country.

Dr. Bejamin is just unqualified in so many ways. When her little clinic in New Orleans got destroyed by some little storm named Hurricane Katrina, she was so crazy that she rebuilt it because she thought it might be useful or something. On top of that, she was the first African American woman to be elected to the Board of the AMA and the Alabama Medical Association. Since then, she’s spent all her time helping a random rural community in Alabama, treating lots of patients who would not otherwise get health care. I guess she just couldn’t get a job in a city like everyone else!

Jimmy Fallon certainly has the right idea. We all remember the tidal wave of hilarious jokes when the male Surgeon General, Everett Koop, was nominated and confirmed. He was also a “chubbie,” as some have called Dr. Benjamin. Everyone bought that “No Chubbies” shirt that the health expert Michael Karolchyk wore on Fox News the other day. Wait, you don’t remember that? Oh. Awkward.

All I can say is that I’m glad Jimmy Fallon is finally giving a voice to the faint chorus of the people who hate the fatties. I’m so proud that he’s working against this clearly unqualified woman. After all, as they always say, the most important quality in a Surgeon General is how she looks.

For more interesting commentary on the subject, check out Linda Bergthold’s editorial on The Huffington Post.

Field Correspondent Michael Hayne on the Obama/Corzine Rally

Laughing Liberally comedian Michael Hayne was at Governor Corzine's rally at the PNC Arts Center in NJ this past Thursday when none other than BARACK OBAMA came forward to stump on his behalf. We are so grateful that Mike was there to liveblog this most glorious event. Click through to get a taste of the action!