Laughing Liberally to Keep From Crying
By Lee Camp

I think George Carlin would be amused that even following his death the mainstream media can't bring itself to cover the truth about what he had to say. In the majority of the coverage about Carlin I've seen, the talking heads simply speak about his "seven words you can't say on television" or his desire to "push the limits." They don't want to discuss the dirty details of the truth and social commentary Carlin brilliantly vocalized. That's what made Carlin a legend, not merely his desire to say "Fuck" on the radio.

Carlin said the media was a joke, and in remembering him, they've proven him right. How many networks have shown some of his most groundbreaking social commentary such as the following:

 
• Religion is the biggest load of bullshit ever sold.

 

• The U.S. loves to bomb countries filled with little brown people.

 

• Both political parties are owned and operated by corporations.

 

• Instead of putting drug dealers in jail, we should execute the bankers who launder the drug money.

 

• Golf is an elitist, pretentious sport and homeless people should be given the golf courses to live on.

These thoughts are a pathetically small portion of the hundreds of hours of exceptional commentary Carlin created and performed. Yet have you seen mention of these on your nightly news? Very little, if any. 

Carlin dared us to get the joke. He pushed us. That's what made him a legend and an inspiration to those of us drawn to the art of comedy. I, myself, was offended by a lot of his stuff when I was a teenager and didn't get the deeper meaning (and didn't yet know that he was usually right). But as I grew and began to understand the world around me, I came to truly admire his courage and his talent. It's his ability to pinpoint the hypocrisies and flaws of our society that should be talked about most when remembering him. But I guess there still aren't things we as a society and those in the media are able or allowed to discuss...at least not until we grow up.

One more thing about George Carlin, completely unrelated to the media. The other thing I admired most about him was his desire to keep performing stand-up comedy. In a time when every performer seems to eventually run off to do movies or write God awful TV shows, Carlin kept walking out onto the stage. Night after night. Year after year. He truly, absolutely loved the craft of comedy because he had something meaningful to say. Listening to an interview in which he talks about crafting a joke is like listening to a sculptor speak about chiseling into stone. He lived, ate, and drank comedy. I hope I too have the motivation and desire to never stop performing and never stop speaking my mind. For me and millions of others, George Carlin truly is the definition of a comedian.

Laughing Liberally to Keep From Crying
By Mazhira Black

I know, I know, everyone loves to give John McCain a hard time, seeing as it is the twenty first century and the man is merely aware of the internet.

But really this isn't about making fun, this is about being supportive of our elderly and helping Mr. McCain just like you would your grandfather, take him by the hand and reassure him that the internet is not scary at all.

In celebration of tonight's John McCain Comedy Jaunt at The Tank in New York, featuring Cliff Schecter and Paul Waldman, the authors of The Real McCain and Free Ride, we at Laughing Liberally would like to Present Mr. McCain with a gift.

So here you are Mr. McCain:

The fearless guide for seniors, It's Never Too Late to Love a Computer is a reassuring, friendly, straightforward guide that will turn computerphobes into computerphiles. Written specifically for people who did not grow up with personal computers or even use them in the office, it presents everything that older newbies need to know: selecting, buying, and setting up hardware and software; using and adjusting the monitor; getting comfortable with the mouse and keyboard; adding and operating peripherals, such as a printer or scanner.

And then the fun begins, as the book not only shows how to use a computer, but also covers all the reasons why to. Staying in touch with families via e-mail. Looking after stocks. Booking travel plans. Shopping on-line. Researching health issues. Joining newsgroups. Meeting like-minded friends in chat rooms. Not to mention using the computer for other tasks and entertainment, like word processing (finally getting back to that novel) or playing games.

So, whether its looking for the friendly neighborhood medicare provider or just receiving pictures via electronic-mail from the grandkids, you too can be as interweb savvy as the young whippersnappers.

Have fun! (But not too much fun, hips are expensive to replace)

Republicans are shocked and appalled that a racist pin which reads "If Obama is President...Will we still call it the White House?" was sold at the Texas Republican Party convention. To show their commitment to combating racism, the GOP is donating the money raised by the vendor to help flood victims in the Midwest. They also stipulated that under no circumstances could any of the money go to Katrina victims who are still without homes, neighbors, trailers or security. The difference, of course, as Rush Limbaugh explains, is that the people of Iowa and Illinois are "the heartland...and the backbone of America," while people of the gulf coast, are the infected appendix of the U.S., and "a bunch of people running around waving guns at helicopters...shooting cops....raping people on the street...whining and moaning--where's FEMA, where's BUSH."

Laughing Liberally To Keep From Crying

We'll have more on the passing of George Carlin later in the week, but we didn't want the day to pass without a small tribute to one of the most important anti-authoritarian comedians of the last 50 years. We present the routine that got Carlin arrested, and which found itself at the Supreme Court:

Laughing Liberally To Keep From Crying
by Katie Halper

Dear ex-Hillary fans who are showing their support for her by ignoring her call to support Obama and supporting McCain,

First, I'd like to congratulate you. You've asked yourself WWJMD and
you've decided to vote against your own interests and principles while
furthering Senator McCain's. Before you're allowed on the band wagon,
we are asking you to sign the following oath. A McCain presidency will
mean different things for different people, so we have tailored the
oaths accordingly.

The McCain Loyalty Oath for Gays

I, _______________, pledge to transfer my support from Hillary Clinton
to John McCain. I agree to do all I can do to get McCain the vote. In
order to achieve this noble goal I promise to support McCain's...

• promise to protect "the sanctity of marriage as between a man and woman."
• commitment to banning federal recognition of gay marriage and domestic partnerships.
• commitment to the Army's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy because to "even reopen the issue" would be a "terrific mistake."
• opposition to gay adoption which he doesn't think is "appropriate."
• opposition to expanding the federal hate crimes law to include sexual orientation.

As a gay person, I promise to apply McCain's principles to my own life and vow to...

• stop engaging in gay sex.
• never try to marry or adopt.
• enroll in a program to treat my homosexuality and "straighten" myself out, such as a "M.A.N.S. Journey" (Masculinity, Authenticity, Need Fulfillment, Surrender Journey).
• install nanny cams in my house to prevent any gay relapses.
• take responsibility for natural disasters*, including Katrina.

Once McCain is elected, I will continue to support him and his
programs and I will not complain about my loss of civil rights. And I
will continue to refrain from gay sex.

Signature ____________

The McCain Loyalty Oath for Women

I _______________ pledge to transfer my support from Hillary Clinton
to John McCain. I agree to do all I can do to get McCain the vote. In
order to achieve this noble goal I promise to support McCain's...

• fight to overturn Roe v. Wade and my right to choose.
• fight against equal pay for men and women.
• opposition to providing low-income and uninsured women and families
  with health care services ranging from breast and cervical cancer
  screening to birth control.
• opposition to sex education and support of abstinence-only education.
• making birth control covered by insurance.
• endorsement of women's rights more "in theory" than in practice.
• pet name for his wife.

As a woman I promise to apply McCain's principles to my own life and vow to...

• call myself and my female friends the C word.
• picket abortion clinics.
• not use contraceptives.
• drink bleach so I don't catch HIV and drink Mountain due so I don't get pregnant.
• give back part of my salary to male coworkers.
• not vote, but pursue education and encourage my father/husband/brother male friends to vote for McCain.

Once McCain is elected, I will continue to support him and I will
not complain about my losing my right to choose, and other reproductive
freedoms. And I will continue to refrain from pursuing equality for
women.

Signature ____________

The McCain Loyalty Oath for Straight White Men

Straight white men, I bet you thought we left you out. This country
may have turned its back on you, but we haven't. Here's a pledge of
your own:

I _______________ pledge to transfer my support from Hillary Clinton
to John McCain. I agree to do all I can do to get McCain the vote. In
order to achieve this noble goal I promise to support McCain's...

• commitment to follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell.
• opposition to limiting soldiers' deployment to 12 months.
• fight against benefits for veterans.
• support of Bush's preemptive war doctrine.
• Operation Infinite Presence in Iraq.

As a straight white man I promise to apply McCain's principles to my own life and vow to...

• use Iran/Iraq and Shiites/Sunnis interchangeably.
• clear my schedule for the next 100 years.
• enlist in the military.
• follow Osama Bin Laden to the gates of hell (while smiling).
• be willing to kill and/or be killed in Iraq.
• be willing to kill and/or be killed in Iran.
• be willing to kill and/or be killed in Syria.
• be willing to kill and/or be killed in Venezuela.

Once McCain is elected, I will continue to support him and I will
not complain about my loss of limbs or life. And I will continue to
refrain from questioning the war in Iraq or any other wars we will be
fighting.

Signature __________________________________

*Although McCain and Hagee have since unendorsed each other, that was not until Hagee's controversial Holocaust speech
was discovered. McCain didn't think Hagee's position on gay people (or
women of Muslims, for that matter) warrant his disavowal.

Laughing liberally To Keep From Crying
by Katie Halper

The Obama pound, exchanged between Michelle and Barack on Tuesday night, marked a historic moment. Yeah, there's that whole first black nominee for president thing. But more significant, is the fact that the greeting which has been described by confused white journalists as a "fist bump," "closed-fist high-five," "a frat-tastic fist bump" and a "'Hezbollah' style fist-jabbing" is finally being introduced to mainstream culture. The introduction of "The Pound" into our national vocabulary will have ripple effects. It already has. People previously unfamiliar "the pound" are seeing the world in a whole new way. For instance, they should now realize that when the New York Times' Ashley Parker wrote about Reggie Love "offering closed-fist high-fives to members of the news media...." she was not describing a painful caveman greeting, but said pound. (I think the Times owes Reggie a correction.) I can't find an official history or definition of the pound, but here is what I found on Ubrandictionary.com

1. pound: a greeting between two mutual friends. In reality, a fist from one person is "pounded" against the fist of the other person, accompanied by both persons saying "pound."
2. Pound: The knocking of fists as a form of greeting, departure, or respect see daps
3. Dap: The knocking of fists together as a greeting, or form of respect. He gave me a dap when we greeted.
4. dap: a fist-on-fist greeting, front-to-front as if each person is punching each other on the hand. He gave me a dap when we greeted
5. dap: The Dap includes simple to very intricate series of rhythmic hand slaps, clasps, hand and arm gestures exchanged between two persons as a sign of personal greeting, respect and group solidarity. Has origin in greetings developed and practiced by members of Black Power organizations founded in southern California in the early 1970s and then became common place and outlawed practice among African-American draftees and soldiers stateside and abroad during the latter years of the Vietnam War. Was soon adopted by huge duck bill cap, suspender and knicker attired African-American street and club dancers who originated the dance known as "Lockstepping." Best known Lock Stepper is Fred Barry aka Rerun from the hit 1970s black TV sitcom, "What's Happenin'?" simplest of Daps is to tap closed fists together one time horizontally or vertically.

Emergency update! The Right Wing pundit who creatively described the pound between Michelle and Barack as "'Hezbollah' style fist-jabbing" must have read my post. His blog post no longer contains the following sentence:

"Michelle is not as "refined" as Obama at hiding her TRUE feelings about America-etc. Her "Hezbollah" style fist-jabbing-mouth-twisted anti-American speeches is STRAIGHT from ISLAM!"

Thank you for admitting you were wrong. I interpret your delete as an apology and I accept it.

Readers may recall that in an effort to counteract the media's anti-McCain bias, I gathered the top 10 best quotes uttered by McCain's spiritual advisers. While the liberal press was giving its undivided attention to Reverend Jeremiah Wright, I decided I would highlight the invaluable but overlooked and ignored contributions McCain's own religious allies, most notable Pastor John Hagee, whose endorsement McCain went out of his way to seek and "ye shall" find. In light of recent revelations about Hagee's spiritual insights into the Holocaust, I am updating this list so it truly reflects the utterly amazing and unbelievable words of Hagee. (Pastor Rod Parsley, if you're reading this, I apologize to for cutting you from the updated top ten list. I do appreciate you commitment to destroying Islam and his attempt to raise awareness of the low lesbian life expectancy. But you and Hagee and are too special to have to share a top ten list. I will make you your own next week.)

So here are the "Updated Top Ten Hagee-isms," new and improved, with never-before-released hits from his "Thank God for Hitler" sermon.

1. NEW! "God says in Jeremiah 16 - 'Behold I will bring them the Jewish people again unto their land that I gave unto their fathers' - that would be Abraham, Isaac and Jacob - 'Behold I will send for many fishers and after will I send for many hunters. And they the hunters shall hunt them' - that will be the Jews - 'from every mountain and from every hill and from out of the holes of the rocks.' If that doesn't describe what Hitler did in the Holocaust... you can't see that. So think about this - I will send fishers and I will send hunters."
- Pastor John Hagee in a sermon

2. NEW! "Then god sent a hunter. A hunter is someone with a gun and he forces you. Hitler was a hunter. And the Bible says -- Jeremiah writing -- 'They shall hunt them from every mountain and from every hill and from the holes of the rocks,' meaning there's no place to hide. And that might be offensive to some people but don't let your heart be offended. I didn't write it, Jeremiah wrote it. It was the truth and it is the truth. How did it happen? Because God allowed it to happen. Why did it happen? Because God said my top priority for the Jewish people is to get them to come back to the land of Israel."
- Pastor John Hagee in a sermon

3. NEW! "Theodore Herzl is the father of Zionism. He was a Jew who at the turn of the 19th century said, this land is our land, God wants us to live there. So he went to the Jews of Europe and said 'I want you to come and join me in the land of Israel.' So few went that Herzl went into depression. Those who came founded Israel; those who did not went through the hell of the holocaust."
- Pastor John Hagee in a sermon

Here are some oldies but goodies...

4. "Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman pinscher? The answer is lipstick. Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist."
- Pastor John Hagee in his book What Every Man Wants in a Woman (Charisma House, 2005)

5. "The Quran teaches that [all Muslims have a mandate to kill Christians and Jews]. Yes, it teaches that very clearly."
-Pastor John Hagee

6. "I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans...I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are -- were recipients of the judgment of God for that...There was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades...The Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment."
-Pastor John Hagee

7. "The military will have difficultly recruiting healthy and strong heterosexuals for combat purposes. Why? Fighting in combat with a man in your fox hole that has AIDS or is HIV positive is double jeopardy."
- Pastor John Hagee on "Don't Ask Don't Tell"

8. "[Gay marriage] will open the door to incest, to polygamy, and every conceivable marriage arrangement demented minds can possibly conceive. If God does not then punish America, He will have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah."
- Pastor John Hagee

9. "It is impossible to call yourself a Christian and defend homosexuality. There is no justification or acceptance of homosexuality.... Homosexuality means the death of society because homosexuals can recruit, but they cannot reproduce."
- Pastor John Hagee

10. "Only a Spirit-filled woman can submit to her husband's lead. It is the natural desire of a woman to lead through feminine manipulation of the man...Fallen women will try to dominate the marriage. The man has the God-given role to be the loving leader of the home."
- Pastor John Hagee in his book What Every Man Wants in a Woman (Charisma House, 2005)

Laughing Liberally To Keep From Crying

Our contributor Lee Camp is sometimes pigeon-holed as a comedian, but there's more to him than that - for instance, this week he unearthed a 20-year old memo by the producer of Inside Edition, apologizing for Bill O'Reilly's on-set meltdown:

Laughing Liberally To Keep From Crying
By Lee Camp

With McCain likely to face Obama in the general election, it appears his staff has realized they have an uphill marketing battle ahead of them. Obama has some of the best marketing money can buy: he has a brilliant logo, multiple slogans, a pretty face, and he's even laid claim to the words "change" and "hope." The following memo by a high level McCain staffer was accidentally leaked to the press, demonstrating the McCain campaign's struggle to find the perfect slogan.

Laughing Liberally To Keep From Crying
by Katie Halper

Before Jeremiah "Obama's Pastor" Wright spews even more nonsense, and quotes even more ambassadors, we want to shed some light on the brilliant gems uttered by some of McCain's own spiritual advisers, Pastor John Hagee and Reverend Rod Parsley. When Hagee endorsed McCain, because he is a man of principle, McCain said he was "very honored by Pastor John Hagee's endorsement." Reverend Parsley calls McCain a "strong, true, consistent conservative" and McCain calls Parsley "a spiritual adviser." Because the liberal media refuses to give any credit to McCain, it is up to us to be fair and balanced. So here are the top 10 Memorable Quotes said by McCain's religious advisers:

1. "Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman pinscher? The answer is lipstick. Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist."
- Pastor John Hagee in his book What Every Man Wants in a Woman (Charisma House, 2005)

2. "The Quran teaches that [all Muslims have a mandate to kill Christians and Jews]. Yes, it teaches that very clearly."
-Pastor John Hagee

3. "I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans...I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are -- were recipients of the judgment of God for that...There was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades.... The Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment."
-Pastor John Hagee

4. "The military will have difficultly recruiting healthy and strong heterosexuals for combat purposes. Why? Fighting in combat with a man in your fox hole that has AIDS or is HIV positive is double jeopardy."
- Pastor John Hagee on Don't Ask Don't Tell

5. "[Gay marriage] will open the door to incest, to polygamy, and every conceivable marriage arrangement demented minds can possibly conceive. If God does not then punish America, He will have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah."
- Pastor John Hagee

6. "It is impossible to call yourself a Christian and defend homosexuality. There is no justification or acceptance of homosexuality.... Homosexuality means the death of society because homosexuals can recruit, but they cannot reproduce."
- Pastor John Hagee

7. "Only a Spirit-filled woman can submit to her husband's lead. It is the natural desire of a woman to lead through feminine manipulation of the man...Fallen women will try to dominate the marriage. The man has the God-given role to be the loving leader of the home."
- Pastor John Hagee in his book What Every Man Wants in a Woman (Charisma House, 2005)

8. "I cannot tell you how important it is that we understand the true nature of Islam, that we see it for what it really is. In fact, I will tell you this: I do not believe our country can truly fulfill its divine purpose until we understand our historical conflict with Islam. I know that this statement sounds extreme, but I do not shrink from its implications. The fact is that America was founded, in part, with the intention of seeing this false religion destroyed, and I believe September 11, 2001, was a generational call to arms that we can no longer ignore."
- Rod Parsley in Silent No More (Charisma House, 2005)

9. "Gay sexuality inevitably involves brutal physical abusiveness and the unnatural imposition of alien substances into internal organs, orally and anally, that inevitably suppress the immune system and heighten susceptibility to disease."
- Rod Parsley

10. "Only 1 percent of the homosexual population in America will die of old age. The average life expectancy for a homosexual in the United States of America is 43 years of age. A lesbian can only expect to live to be 45 years of age. Homosexuals represent 2 percent of the population, yet today they're carrying 60 percent of the known cases of syphilis."
- Rod Parsley

A version of this originally appeared on Nerve Scanner.