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By Lee Camp

(watch my YearlyKos Convention performance here)

Day after day we turn on the news to hear how much money is being poured into
Iraq. Those taxpayer dollars come out of other areas, like education. Our kids keep getting dumber while the war keeps getting longer. We have too many smart bombs and not enough smart kids. And a lot of the time those dumb kids are the ones deciding where to drop those smart bombs. And not even the Smartest bomb can compensate for the dumbest kid. I don’t care if the bomb can solve a Sodoku puzzle in 15 seconds, if it’s being helmed by a cross-eyed kid with a tattoo of Johnny Knoxville on his ass, then some sh*t is gonna get f*cked up… so to speak.

Besides, we all know smart bombs are an oxymoron. I’m not saying there aren’t times to bomb. There are, but let’s not kid ourselves into thinking explosives only hit one evil dude sitting in his office wearing a Cobra Commander costume. Bombs blow up buildings (at the least). I’ve never even seen a smart Firecracker. If you use a firecracker to blow up a cantaloupe in your front yard, it’s taking all the nearby insects with it as collateral damage. I should know – I grew up in Virginia.

You want more proof our money (not to mention our men and women) are getting misused in Iraq? A few months ago nine billion dollars went missing. Nine BILLION dollars! To help you grasp that number – That’s eight Billion dollars MORE than one Billion dollars! How does nine billion dollars go “missing?” And we’re not talking one big novelty check like they give to winners of golf tournaments. We’re talking PALLETS of dollar bills, literally TONS of money. Someone had to fill several tractor trailers with money and drive off. And they weren’t even wearing ski masks because it’s too hot for that in Iraq.

Want more proof our money is being thrown away? I just saw a report about the new million dollar robot the military is using in Iraq. Apparently three of them are already over there. They basically look like a lawnmower with a semi-automatic weapon attached to it, or a much less friendly version of Johnny 5 from “Short Circuit.” These robots are controlled by soldiers who are about a mile away looking at a monitor on a computer. Thank God the military finally removed from the equation such useless human characteristics like nervousness, empathy, and compassion!

During the report they showed the screen the soldier was using to control his military version of the Furby. It was a blurry video reminiscent of a Paris Hilton sex tape, and he was expected to decide whether the blob-like figures on the video should be murdered by a robot. As far as I could tell, the soldier was directing the robot to destroy either a terrorist or a fruit stand.

So we’ve got 18 year-olds looking at a computer screen in the safety of the Green Zone and blowing things up several miles away. I think the final step is to not even tell the soldiers that it’s real. Tell them they’re playing "Halo" or "Grand Theft Auto." Then you’ll REALLY see some chaos.

And even if the robot were reliable, could you imagine a kid from Kentucky receiving a box of robot parts with Ikea instructions telling him how to hook the grenade launcher on with an alan key? Great, so the only thing between a functional robot and one that sprays Samurai throwing stars everywhere is a kid with a wrench and a picture of a frowny face next to the drawing of the grenade launcher attached upside down.

I can’t wait for that news report: “Yeah, it was a little exciting there when we found out the accelerator button causes throwing stars and the throwing star button causes acceleration. But don’t worry, we fixed the problem. Now there’s a Post-It note on the control reminding us they’re backwards. And that robot must have about a gajillion throwing stars because it did Not run out at all. Luckily no one got hurt. But we F*cked UP a camel! Fur everywhere.”

I think the only thing the military’s worried about is whether the robots have the creativity necessary to stack Iraqis in naked pyramids. That takes outside-the-box thinking.

In the report I watched, the military people also kept talking about the robot being great for the “front lines.” What front lines?? What war are you talking about?? Spanish American? 1812 maybe?? There’s no front lines anymore. It’s a guy with dynamite strapped to his crotch walking into a crowded Mosque. How’s the death lawnmower going to handle that? Unless you’ve got a robot that does cavity searches, you’re screwed. You need humans with the gentle touch necessary for caring and friendly cavity searches.

>>>>> To watch Lee's performance at YearlyKos, go here. To get more stuff by him, go to and <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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