Cake? Sing-a-longs? Champagne?

How do you mark the birthday of a man who would be President?

It's Senator Obama's birthday today. 47. That makes him younger than a lot of things. Most notably John McCain.

And in New York City, we'll be celebrating at The Tank (at its new home -- DCTV -- 87 Lafayette Street between Walker and White) -- with a comedy show in his honor.

Check it out -- join the fun -- and wish him a happy birthday.

So honestly: are they more Waldorf and Statler, or Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon?

The McCain Campaign today uncovered the shocking and unexpected information That Barack Obama is in fact a black man. Senator John McCain discovered this after a comment Senator Obama made on Thursday that “Republicans would try to scare voters by pointing out he doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills."

Further investigation revealed that the democratic presidential hopeful does not only look different, but is a different race than any other president in American history.

In response to the Senators comment, Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager has said that Mr. Obama has, "played the race card, and he played it from the bottom of the deck." It appears that for many years the race card has been kept safely out of site at the bottom of the deck, and only through some cheap slight of hand has the Illinois senator been able to pull it out. Fears are mounting in the McCain camp that in addition to being a savvy statesman Mr. Obama might also be a skilled Magician.

Davis further said that Obama’s remarks are "divisive, negative, shameful and wrong." It is shocking that the Obama campaign is trying to inform the American People about the senator’s history of being a black man. We should be sticking to the issues and not side tracking with things as irrelevant to the American people as race.

Without these sort of card tricks and evasion, the American public might have never even noticed Barack Obama’s alleged Blackness. McCain on the other hand has been committed to an unbiased policy-based campaign, being himself entirely unaware that there are other races or that he him self has a race. Shame on you Mr. Obama and shame on all of those who might dare to call this a historic moment in American history.

Ted Stevens, the senator facing indictments on seven counts of criminal charges, is clearly unfit to stand trial, due to the clinical depression he admits to suffering from. Perhaps Stevens' earliest sign of psychopathology was in 1997 when he diagnosed himself as a mean miserable son of a bitch. Ted's 28 years of tirelessly protecting the American people from the polar bears who hate us for our freedoms, by defending our right to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, has taken a toll on the senator.

Stevens first exhibited signs of post-arctic depression, when the senate voted against his bill to open ANWAR up to more drilling. A candid Stevens said "I'm really depressed. As a matter of fact, I'm seriously--I'm seriously depressed. Unfortunately, clinically depressed. I've been told that because I've just been at this too long."

In a textbook fashion, the rejection, combined with Stevens' sense of failure, triggered this late on-set octogenarian depression. The symptoms returned after Stevens lost yet another battle in his uphill fight against endangered species and wildlife. The then 83-year-old Senator exclaimed: "This is the saddest day of my life." The trauma was so acute it apparently rivaled the pain he suffered after his wife's death in a tragic plane crash did. It seems Stevens achieved a sense of closure after confronting the cause of his wife's death, Senator Mike Gravel (D-AK). In the group therapy that is the U.S. Senate, Stevens shared "I don't want to get personal about it...but I think if that bill [which was being blocked by Gravel] had passed, I might have a wife sitting at home when I get home tonight, too." But unlike the vote that condemned his wife to death, the vote against drilling freedom was too much for Stevens to bear. In a classic cry for help, Stevens threatened to take his own political life: "It's a day I don't want to remember. I say goodbye to the Senate tonight. Thank you very much."

Stevens then manifested signs of manic depression as he swung out of a state of the blues and into a state of the green. Exhibiting signs of displacement, transference and delusion, Stevens identified with the character of the Hulk. He Personified the fictitious character, would wear his signature great Hulk tie on days of important votes. Stevens remained in the senate where he got "pumped up" and warned his pro-polar opponents, "You bet your bottom dollar I'll remember [this vote]. If I ever give my word, I keep it. I'm mad enough to eat nails right now, to have people not keep their word to me. I'm going to go to every one of your states, and I'm going to tell them what you've done. This was wrong." Stevens' awareness that he was engaged in a battle between bear and oil, good and bad, right and wrong renewed his sense of purpose, but also triggered his bipolar condition and delusions of mobility, political sway, and brute force. The final demonstration of his instability was wearing a white wig and competing in the third-annual Crafters Smackdown.

Ironically, this prosecution of the mentally ill is something Ted would support if in his right mind. But, I speak for the sane when I say that Stevens deserves treatment, not incarceration.

Katie Halper('s father) is a psychiatrist in New York City (M.D. Columbia University)

Daily Show correspondent Wyatt Cenac plays a game of Republicans or Rappers with Jon Stewart.

Don't forget to catch Wyatt and other great comedians at the Laughing Liberally Barack Obama Birthday Party/Comedy Show this Monday at 8pm co-hosted by Shades of Black. $5 cover.

RSVP on Facebook or call 718-404-6009 for reservations.

Dear Joe Mathieu of P.O.T.U.S. '08 - XM radio (130),

I want to apologize for my unseemly behavior the other day. I know you interview a lot of people, so you may not remember me or you may have repressed the memory of me. I'm the comic who was on the viral video comedy panel at Netroots Nation whom you interviewed about, well, viral comedy videos. We talked over the phone, since I was in Austin, Texas. The end of our conversation went something like this...

[WARNING: DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING IF YOU ARE EATING. IF YOU HAVE EATEN RECENTLY, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE WAITED AT LEAST A HALF AN HOUR TO DIGEST. IF NOT, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER IMMEDIATELY. YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHY AFTER YOU READ THIS.]

Joe Mathieu: What are some of your favorite viral videos?
Katie Halper: Well, I really like this one video [made by the Public Service Administration] on McCain and the C-Word*. It makes fun of the media for not mentioning the story because they can't possibly say "the C word."
Joe Mathieu: Well, you know, Katie. I've enjoyed talking with you, but it's 12:30 out here on the East Coast and people are having lunch right now. And we can't really be talking about this during lunch time. [click]
Katie Halper: Oh, sorry
Joe Mathieu: [post-click silence]
* I didn't actually say the C word. In other words, I didn't utter the word that begins with C. And ends with T. I actually said "the C word."

Before apologizing, I want to thank you. While others could see your hang-up as rude and unprofessional, the response of an immature and unprepared "d-bag," I know that you were helping me make my argument. What better way to prove my point about the media's refusal to talk about the story than by refusing to talk to me about the story? The hang up was so dramatic, so overt, so over the top, it really proved my point. (It's also a great example of the strength of the "show, don't tell" rule. You probably learned that in J school. Or middle school.)

Also, before I apologize, I just want to summarize what I would have said had you not hung up on me. [ DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING IF YOU ARE EATING. IF YOU HAVE EATEN RECENTLY, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE WAITED AT LEAST A HALF AN HOUR TO DIGEST. IF NOT, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER IMMEDIATELY.] I was going to say something like...

Katie Halper: It's interesting that nobody brings up the story about John McCain calling his wife the C-word. I've heard two theories explaining this. 1) The media doesn't like using the C-word. 2) It's not a sourced story. That's interesting because, I remember when Jane Fonda mentioned the C-word, the media was able to suppress it's vomit and cover the story. I also wonder why the media is so comfortable saying the word "bitch." Hmmm. food for thought. And in terms of reporting standards, I thought the media wasn't into that whole thing anymore. They were more than happy to report on totally unconfirmed and unfounded stories about things Michelle Obama "said."

OK, now for the apology. I really, really, really hope you'll forgive me. As you yourself suggested, it was that g-d time difference. It was 11:30 in Austin, and I have a strict noon cut off rule when it comes to discussing the C-word. I know that when McCain called his wife a C-word and a trollop, he made sure not to do so during a major meal time. So silly me, I thought I had a full 1/2 hour. To those of you who were LWL (listening while lunching) I apologize. I hope you were able to keep your food down. I know how hard it is. Of course, some people eat at different times, I don't believe in indulging or enabling those people. If they are going to lead alternative eating lifestyles, let them be nauseated. And as for the people who live in other parts of the world, I hope this encourages them to eat according to the U.S. clock.

In addition to failing to recognize the time difference and not respecting the C-word time zone rule, another factor contributed to my slip. I had my P-word. And it was a really, really bad one, you know how it is. So my judgment was off. I'm sure you'll accept my apology now.

Yours (post-menstrually),
Katie Halper

1. Po Mo McCain don't know much about [military] history.
   McCain has shared his post-racial vision of the world by refusing to distinguish between Sunnis and Shiites, and Iran and Iraq. The post-modernist candidate is now challenging patriarchal linear narratives by creating a revisionist and deconstructive military history in which the War in Iraq precedes the war in Afghanistan and the surge preceded the Anbar Awakening.
2. Joe Scarborough admits to a bloggers-eating-cheetos-in-their-underwear fetish.
   Joe Scarborough gave MSNBC viewers a peek into his id, when he described the liberal bloggers who dared to criticize McCain as "just sitting there, eating their Cheetos" and saying, "Let me google Anbar Awakening!...Dust flying -- Cheeto dust flying all over. They're wiping it on their bare chest while their underwear -- you know, their Hanes." Hopefully Scarborough's candor will embolden his fellow Hanes-clad-cheetos-covered blogger fetishists to come out of the closet.
3. Civil Libertarian Bill O'Reilly on torture: "Enough is enough ..."
   Actually, O'Reilly said "Enough is enough with this torture nonsense." O'Reilly and his guest and long-time stereotype battler Laura Ingraham, criticized Obama because he "got up there in front of 200,000 people and he glommed on to one of the most ridiculous and one of the hateful stereotypes about America, which is that we torture. "
4. Karl Rove on McCain's mistakes: "Whatevs."
   When Alan Colmes brought up McCain's Anbar awakening gaffe, Rove responded by saying, "first of all, let's not get into sort of nit-nat mistakes...Look, let's not get into this... don't make a big deal of it."
5. Once again, Republicans demonstrate a keen telepathic connection to animals.
   Serving as a spokesmen for both caribou and polar bears, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) told fellow zoologist Glen Beck: "We saw... were at the beginning of the Trans-Alaska pipeline...and there were a handful of caribou that just kept walking towards us and towards us. They were 30 yards away from us, and they couldn't care less whether we were there, the pipeline was there, or the oil company was there...there was a polar bear out earlier...If you have got polar bears and you've got caribou, it's clear that we can drill in a environmentally friendly way."

The one video that every liberal must watch today:

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON HOPE

MoveOn's new ad with Boy Meets World's Rider Strong. This will be the first political ad to run on Comedy Central. And it's pretty funny too.

by Lee Camp, Laughing Liberally

IS BARACK OBAMA A JEW??? It's the internet rumor that the Obama campaign has been unable to quash (because we just started it). Recent photos of Senator Obama wearing traditional Jewish garb have raised a lot of questions about the candidate's religious background. Most obvious, of course, is the Jewish device pictured on Obama's head. This item is called a "yarmulke" (pronounced: Jew-ma-ka). However, there are many other pieces of evidence in the photograph that suggest Obama is "of the tribe," as the Jews say when they're alone in their secret caves.

2. Master Jew in close proximity to Barack Obama. Only fellow Jews are allowed near Master Jews. (Or this might just be Obama's accountant.)

3. Secret Jew message placed in crevice of Jewian monument. These messages are how the Jewish people secretly communicate with each other. (You know who else makes use of secret communications? Nazis. Also, warlocks.)

NOT SHOWN:

4. Senator Obama's first name is "Barack," which is a Jewy name. In fact, Israel's former Prime Minister is named Ehud Barak. Furthermore, the word "baruch" is the first word in most Jewish prayers (or curses). Loosely translated "baruch" means "death to non-Jews."

5. Obama attended a Jewian socialist elementary school, or "kibbutz," once when he was ten. He claims he only needed to use their restroom, but witnesses say he stayed for nearly three hours.

6. Although he grew up relatively poor, Senator Obama's recent book earned him upwards of $100 million. You know who else has a lot of money? Jews.

7. The name "Obama" sounds similar to "Ahabah," and Beth Ahabah is a common name for a synagogue. Synagogues are where the Jews hold their cult-like ceremonies including genital mutilation on babies.

And perhaps most damning of all...when you vandalize a photo of Barack Obama by drawing peyos and a black hat, he looks totally Jewish.

In the face of this shocking evidence, voters must decide how they really feel about Senator Baruch Ahabah. Would a God-hating money-grubbing Jew make for a good president? Let us answer that with two words: Jew Lieberman.

In case you don't believe Chris O'Reilly's claim that the Netroots Nation is like a "Klan gathering" and as hateful as the Nazis, check out this video I'm in. Five Steps Forward Media and I expose the Nazism! Why are they so hateful towards me and my people? You'll notice there is no Gypsy Caucus either, a group the Nazis tried to exterminate. What say you? Coincidence? I think not!