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Breaking: Ted Stevens Mental Health Update

Last week I published my diagnosis of Ted Stevens, whose clinical depression makes him unfit to stand trial. Well, luckily, it looks like some people listened to my words of wisdom and heeded my call to help, not punish, Ted. Earlier this week, When President Bush visited the Eielson Air Force Base in Alaska to speak to soldiers, W made sure to invite Stevens. Aware of the Senator's fragile state, the President showered Stevens with praise: "the United States military has had no better supporter and stronger friend than Sen. Ted Stevens." Some have criticized Bush for inviting Stevens in spite of his indictment. In all fairness, the Bush administration is used to having criminals in their midst, and if they had to change plans every time someone was accused of a crime, they would never get anything done.

But Bush isn't the only person joining me in offering Ted the support he needs. Stevens held a rally for himself at his own campaign headquarters. Stevens' mental instability has in no way affected his ability to rock out; the senator, who wore a flight jacket, brown corduroy pants and Masai Balance platform sneakers, arrived at the rally behind a convoy of leather-clad motorcyclists. Once again, Ted showed clear delusional behavior as he expressed both his innocence, and his confidence in being re-elected: "The primary is the goal right now. Help me win that primary and help me be the candidate for the Republican Party. September will take care of itself." His depression has subsided and his manic phase has begun: the spirited senator told his fans "Let me tell you my spirits are high..."

But bikers and presidents can't keep Ted's spirits high on their own! So here are 5 ways you can help Ted Stevens!

1. Have your own rally, with or without bikers: Make sure you follow the rally organizers' lead and keep the event on the DL. Don't publicize the rally or you'll have to deal with anti-Stevens protesters. A confrontation may be just the thing to drive Ted off the edge and/ or provoke an outbreak of his multiple personality disorder, in which Ted assumes the form and personality of his hero The Hulk.

2. Send Hulk gifts: Since Stevens continues to identify with the Hulk, (classic identification disorder/ multiple personality disorder) send Ted some Hulk ties, because you can never have too many. We know Ted likes to wear the ties for good luck, and he'll need clean ties and lot's of good luck for his trial. Feel free to send Hulk toys as well, to give Ted the strength that he'll need. They also provide for great street cred, in case Ted ends up in jail.

3. Send donations towards the Ted-mobile: I'm working on a hummer covered in polar bear fur which Ted will drive around Alaska as he claims his innocence and gathers support.

4. Send gas donations: Because this Ted-mobile is a real gas-guzzler.

5. Send a get well soon card: You can email them through a series of tubes or send them through snail mail. Send Ted cards of sympathy, for the death of his bill, which he still mourns, as well as cards of encouragement, support, and appreciation.

Laughing Liberally: The Funny Pages!

We found this cartoon by L.A. cartoonist Mr. Fish on Truthdig:

Like Mr. Fish, we're all for the eventual ascension of the blogsophere, too, as long as we can still get our Dilbert fix on an RSS feed.

The Forged CIA Note to Saddam Hussein as Mentioned in Ron Suskind's Book

Laughing Liberally to Keep From Crying
by Lee Camp

Ron Suskind just put out a new book claiming the CIA forged and post-dated a note between Iraqi Intelligence and Saddam Hussein in order to trump up the evidence for a war in Iraq. (See note below) Furthermore, the forgery was requested by the President himself. (The President's request is also below)

How Will You Celebrate the 47th Birthday of our Would-Be 44th President?

Cake? Sing-a-longs? Champagne?

How do you mark the birthday of a man who would be President?

It's Senator Obama's birthday today. 47. That makes him younger than a lot of things. Most notably John McCain.

And in New York City, we'll be celebrating at The Tank (at its new home -- DCTV -- 87 Lafayette Street between Walker and White) -- with a comedy show in his honor.

Check it out -- join the fun -- and wish him a happy birthday.

Grumpy Old Men

So honestly: are they more Waldorf and Statler, or Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon?

The Race Card

Race CardThe McCain Campaign today uncovered the shocking and unexpected information That Barack Obama is in fact a black man. Senator John McCain discovered this after a comment Senator Obama made on Thursday that “Republicans would try to scare voters by pointing out he doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills."

Further investigation revealed that the democratic presidential hopeful does not only look different, but is a different race than any other president in American history.

In response to the Senators comment, Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager has said that Mr. Obama has, "played the race card, and he played it from the bottom of the deck." It appears that for many years the race card has been kept safely out of site at the bottom of the deck, and only through some cheap slight of hand has the Illinois senator been able to pull it out. Fears are mounting in the McCain camp that in addition to being a savvy statesman Mr. Obama might also be a skilled Magician.

Davis further said that Obama’s remarks are "divisive, negative, shameful and wrong." It is shocking that the Obama campaign is trying to inform the American People about the senator’s history of being a black man. We should be sticking to the issues and not side tracking with things as irrelevant to the American people as race.

Without these sort of card tricks and evasion, the American public might have never even noticed Barack Obama’s alleged Blackness. McCain on the other hand has been committed to an unbiased policy-based campaign, being himself entirely unaware that there are other races or that he him self has a race. Shame on you Mr. Obama and shame on all of those who might dare to call this a historic moment in American history.

Ted Stevens Declares Himself Unfit to Stand Trial

Ted Stevens, the senator facing indictments on seven counts of criminal charges, is clearly unfit to stand trial, due to the clinical depression he admits to suffering from. Perhaps Stevens' earliest sign of psychopathology was in 1997 when he diagnosed himself as a mean miserable son of a bitch. Ted's 28 years of tirelessly protecting the American people from the polar bears who hate us for our freedoms, by defending our right to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, has taken a toll on the senator.

Stevens first exhibited signs of post-arctic depression, when the senate voted against his bill to open ANWAR up to more drilling. A candid Stevens said "I'm really depressed. As a matter of fact, I'm seriously--I'm seriously depressed. Unfortunately, clinically depressed. I've been told that because I've just been at this too long."

In a textbook fashion, the rejection, combined with Stevens' sense of failure, triggered this late on-set octogenarian depression. The symptoms returned after Stevens lost yet another battle in his uphill fight against endangered species and wildlife. The then 83-year-old Senator exclaimed: "This is the saddest day of my life." The trauma was so acute it apparently rivaled the pain he suffered after his wife's death in a tragic plane crash did. It seems Stevens achieved a sense of closure after confronting the cause of his wife's death, Senator Mike Gravel (D-AK). In the group therapy that is the U.S. Senate, Stevens shared "I don't want to get personal about it...but I think if that bill [which was being blocked by Gravel] had passed, I might have a wife sitting at home when I get home tonight, too." But unlike the vote that condemned his wife to death, the vote against drilling freedom was too much for Stevens to bear. In a classic cry for help, Stevens threatened to take his own political life: "It's a day I don't want to remember. I say goodbye to the Senate tonight. Thank you very much."

Stevens then manifested signs of manic depression as he swung out of a state of the blues and into a state of the green. Exhibiting signs of displacement, transference and delusion, Stevens identified with the character of the Hulk. He Personified the fictitious character, would wear his signature great Hulk tie on days of important votes. Stevens remained in the senate where he got "pumped up" and warned his pro-polar opponents, "You bet your bottom dollar I'll remember [this vote]. If I ever give my word, I keep it. I'm mad enough to eat nails right now, to have people not keep their word to me. I'm going to go to every one of your states, and I'm going to tell them what you've done. This was wrong." Stevens' awareness that he was engaged in a battle between bear and oil, good and bad, right and wrong renewed his sense of purpose, but also triggered his bipolar condition and delusions of mobility, political sway, and brute force. The final demonstration of his instability was wearing a white wig and competing in the third-annual Crafters Smackdown.

Ironically, this prosecution of the mentally ill is something Ted would support if in his right mind. But, I speak for the sane when I say that Stevens deserves treatment, not incarceration.

Katie Halper('s father) is a psychiatrist in New York City (M.D. Columbia University)

Screening Liberally Watch of the Day

Daily Show correspondent Wyatt Cenac plays a game of Republicans or Rappers with Jon Stewart.

Don't forget to catch Wyatt and other great comedians at the Laughing Liberally Barack Obama Birthday Party/Comedy Show this Monday at 8pm co-hosted by Shades of Black. $5 cover.

RSVP on Facebook or call 718-404-6009 for reservations.

You C*nt Say That On Radio

Dear Joe Mathieu of P.O.T.U.S. '08 - XM radio (130),

I want to apologize for my unseemly behavior the other day. I know you interview a lot of people, so you may not remember me or you may have repressed the memory of me. I'm the comic who was on the viral video comedy panel at Netroots Nation whom you interviewed about, well, viral comedy videos. We talked over the phone, since I was in Austin, Texas. The end of our conversation went something like this...


Joe Mathieu: What are some of your favorite viral videos?
Katie Halper: Well, I really like this one video [made by the Public Service Administration] on McCain and the C-Word*. It makes fun of the media for not mentioning the story because they can't possibly say "the C word."
Joe Mathieu: Well, you know, Katie. I've enjoyed talking with you, but it's 12:30 out here on the East Coast and people are having lunch right now. And we can't really be talking about this during lunch time. [click]
Katie Halper: Oh, sorry
Joe Mathieu: [post-click silence]
* I didn't actually say the C word. In other words, I didn't utter the word that begins with C. And ends with T. I actually said "the C word."

Before apologizing, I want to thank you. While others could see your hang-up as rude and unprofessional, the response of an immature and unprepared "d-bag," I know that you were helping me make my argument. What better way to prove my point about the media's refusal to talk about the story than by refusing to talk to me about the story? The hang up was so dramatic, so overt, so over the top, it really proved my point. (It's also a great example of the strength of the "show, don't tell" rule. You probably learned that in J school. Or middle school.)

Also, before I apologize, I just want to summarize what I would have said had you not hung up on me. [ DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING IF YOU ARE EATING. IF YOU HAVE EATEN RECENTLY, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE WAITED AT LEAST A HALF AN HOUR TO DIGEST. IF NOT, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER IMMEDIATELY.] I was going to say something like...

Katie Halper:
It's interesting that nobody brings up the story about John McCain calling his wife the C-word. I've heard two theories explaining this. 1) The media doesn't like using the C-word. 2) It's not a sourced story. That's interesting because, I remember when Jane Fonda mentioned the C-word, the media was able to suppress it's vomit and cover the story. I also wonder why the media is so comfortable saying the word "bitch." Hmmm. food for thought. And in terms of reporting standards, I thought the media wasn't into that whole thing anymore. They were more than happy to report on totally unconfirmed and unfounded stories about things Michelle Obama "said."

OK, now for the apology. I really, really, really hope you'll forgive me. As you yourself suggested, it was that g-d time difference. It was 11:30 in Austin, and I have a strict noon cut off rule when it comes to discussing the C-word. I know that when McCain called his wife a C-word and a trollop, he made sure not to do so during a major meal time. So silly me, I thought I had a full 1/2 hour. To those of you who were LWL (listening while lunching) I apologize. I hope you were able to keep your food down. I know how hard it is. Of course, some people eat at different times, I don't believe in indulging or enabling those people. If they are going to lead alternative eating lifestyles, let them be nauseated. And as for the people who live in other parts of the world, I hope this encourages them to eat according to the U.S. clock.

In addition to failing to recognize the time difference and not respecting the C-word time zone rule, another factor contributed to my slip. I had my P-word. And it was a really, really bad one, you know how it is. So my judgment was off. I'm sure you'll accept my apology now.

Yours (post-menstrually),
Katie Halper

The Week in News: Fetishist Joe Scarborough Tells It Like It Is

  1. Po Mo McCain don't know much about [military] history.
    McCain has shared his post-racial vision of the world by refusing to distinguish between Sunnis and Shiites, and Iran and Iraq. The post-modernist candidate is now challenging patriarchal linear narratives by creating a revisionist and deconstructive military history in which the War in Iraq precedes the war in Afghanistan and the surge preceded the Anbar Awakening.
  2. Joe Scarborough admits to a bloggers-eating-cheetos-in-their-underwear fetish.
    Joe Scarborough gave MSNBC viewers a peek into his id, when he described the liberal bloggers who dared to criticize McCain as "just sitting there, eating their Cheetos" and saying, "Let me google Anbar Awakening!...Dust flying -- Cheeto dust flying all over. They're wiping it on their bare chest while their underwear -- you know, their Hanes." Hopefully Scarborough's candor will embolden his fellow Hanes-clad-cheetos-covered blogger fetishists to come out of the closet.
  3. Civil Libertarian Bill O'Reilly on torture: "Enough is enough ..."
    Actually, O'Reilly said "Enough is enough with this torture nonsense." O'Reilly and his guest and long-time stereotype battler Laura Ingraham, criticized Obama because he "got up there in front of 200,000 people and he glommed on to one of the most ridiculous and one of the hateful stereotypes about America, which is that we torture. "
  4. Karl Rove on McCain's mistakes: "Whatevs."
    When Alan Colmes brought up McCain's Anbar awakening gaffe, Rove responded by saying, "first of all, let's not get into sort of nit-nat mistakes...Look, let's not get into this... don't make a big deal of it."
  5. Once again, Republicans demonstrate a keen telepathic connection to animals.
    Serving as a spokesmen for both caribou and polar bears, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) told fellow zoologist Glen Beck: "We saw... were at the beginning of the Trans-Alaska pipeline...and there were a handful of caribou that just kept walking towards us and towards us. They were 30 yards away from us, and they couldn't care less whether we were there, the pipeline was there, or the oil company was there...there was a polar bear out earlier...If you have got polar bears and you've got caribou, it's clear that we can drill in a environmentally friendly way."